Some of the things I love

• Cuddling people I care about who like to be cuddled by me! (Hi Janet!)
• Talking about the people I love to cuddle, and all their other lovely qualities too :-)
• Massage. I am studying Holistic Massage to a professional level now, although it is early days in terms of experience. I may yet go into this as a line of business - I can see myself feeling nothing but good about this work: no question about its benefit and pleasure. I really enjoy the devotional/meditative quality alongside the sheer pleasure of touching another person.
• Complaining about the miserable world of office work, and looking for a desirable way forward. Yes, I like complaining about this! I don't wish to just abandon it, though: I rather like being in an office sometimes. It's a fine place to tackle fascinating engineering problems, and it's a lot less insular than crouching at home over the laptop coding free software.
• Of course, I love writing Free Software. I've loved writing software for as long as I've known how to, which is 2/3 of my life now. It isn't enough to be everything, but it's pretty rewarding (because I'm brilliant, in theory :) What really awakened me, really inspired me in software though was discovering the GNU Manifesto. I wrote a lot of wickedly good software in my teenage years, yet I did not share it, and it is gone now. Occasionally I dreamed of making money from it, though I never followed that very far. It never occurred to me to simply share it though. Until, that is, I read the GNU Manifesto: the vision of actually helping fellow human beings through simply sharing what I create is an idea that has stayed with me ever since.
• Since then I eventually twigged that there is great joy in sharing myself with other people, and sharing other people with each other.
• I don't like labels. But for the sheer heaven of it, here are some conscious choices I have made for today: I am polyamorous, bisexual, celibate, teetotal and vegetarian. Occasionally I am not these things; I strive to make each deviation a thoughtful one.
• Some people seem to think I'm "kinky"; must be the way I talk in open-minded company. Of course I am not at all. I don't particularly bother much with sex either. My favourite part of an x-some (for x >= 3) is putting the kettle on so I can make those hard working other folk a nice cup of herbal tea :-)

Some of the things I hate

• The malaise of an office (the job) which seems to lack vision, purpose and enthusiasm for anything with apparent worth.
• My inability to effect positive change in said office. I don't lack the vision, and know I am not alone. But I find my own bursts of enthusiasm and energy come in... bursts. They wax and they wane. I just can't keep up my fireball intensity. Perhaps that's because my way of expressing enthusiasm is to code like a coding dragon on heat. Of course the code is always brilliant and solves the improbable. But that's not really the way to convey vision to a diverse set of people, and it's not proving to be rewarding or sustainable. These pages give some clue about my visions. (Hint: the Company claims to want to change the world through their special technology, but acts like they want to run a box-making business instead. If it resolves its split personality by dividing, I'll be following the visionaries whose vision is to change the world--and then only so much as I agree it's for the better--not those folks who want to run a company for the sake of running a company).
• Myself for not taking the lead in my life. I believe in Free Software but I work for a company that claims, in theory, anything I write. And they believe in IP ("Intellectual Property", which is a propaganda phrase) as a business necessity, which in the context of the current cultural climate (of the "Western" world) I do not.
• Jealousy among people who are afraid to share what they say they love. Mediocrity among people who are afraid to believe in what they desire. Acceptance of Injustice among people who, without genuine reason, choose not to believe in what they instinctively find right. These traits are understandable - who is not afraid of losing that which they love the most? But these feelings must be transformed, to Confidence, Greatness and Applied Wisdom! Why? Well I'm starting with myself here... I don't need a reason. As a most beloved person once said (I wonder if she remembers): Some things just are.

People that I love

I am not going to list the people that I love, for fear of leaving anyone out who'd feel hurt. To name loves, is to divide into loved and unloved, and that I don't wish to do.

Besides, the list is enormous :-)

It's true that there are very special loves in my life, only a small few, who rank highest in my considerations and affections. These people have their own special places in the garden of my heart, and those places I tend regularly. But no one person nor group has my whole heart to themselves for very long; I don't believe in that, and that is not what my heart yearns for. And I gladly listen to my heart, among others.

The questions for me, are, can I prove to my loves that my chosen form of affection is really worthwhile? Deep enough, satisfying enough? Can I share my joy? Can I even find my joy well enough to share it? (It seems to go missing sometimes...) Will I ever bring warmth to another by expressing my most deeply held desires, or must I shy away? What are those desires anyway; do the fickle ones count too? You might have the same questions.